Gay Sex and the City
Gay Sex & The City
New post every Friday.

Carlos Garrow
Graphic Designer
Musician
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A 23 year old single gay guy trying to make his way through love, sex, and relationships in the Mile High City. One cocktail at a time.

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Gay Boy Problems

Casual Sex

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We’re all having casual sex. Unless you’re a virgin and you’re waiting for “the one” then… Uh… Good for you! But for the rest of us, we’re having good old random, hot or not sex. As a 23 year old gay male, I belong to the generation who looks for sex in a phone app or on the internet. As well as the none cyber space places like the bars, night clubs, or other spots.

I live in Denver, Colorado. Where it’s not a big city, but it’s not terribly small. If it’s a small world, then it’s a smaller gay world is what I always say. We gays tend to sleep with each other one way or another. Whether we’re sleeping with someone else who’s slept with someone we know, it’s almost all the same thing in the end. It’s a pool of fucking.

So how does one go about having this casual sex I speak of? And more importantly since we live in a physical world, how do we go about not getting attached?

A hook up is someone you meet on Grindr, Man Hunt, Adam 4 Adam, gay bars/clubs and either take them home or go home with them. Now, this day of age people have sex anywhere they want. Whether you were too drunk to take the guy home and you just do it in his car, or at the park, it’s a hook up. I consider “hooking up” to be full blown sex. Not just making out or a blow job, I mean full on intercourse. It’s something that mostly everyone experiences, whether you go through a phase of just going all out for a time period, or you do it occasionally through out most of your life. Being part of the gay community, you’re either a prude or a whore. Somehow no one ever talks about the people who are in between. So black and white, which I think is ironic because our flag is a fucking rainbow.

I ask you this, is it so wrong to want a little throw down every once in a while? I find my self being in the middle a lot. With dating and sex, with being a prude or a whore. I’m the kind of person that thinks it’s alright to go crazy and have sex with as many beautiful men as possible, because once you get old and your looks are gone, all you’ll have are the great memories. But, I’m also the kind of person that wants to wait until I have a boyfriend who I care about. Where does one draw the line with hooking up?

The only thing I can come up with is; if you don’t like to sleep around and people call you a prude, fuck them. If you like to sleep around and people think of you as a whore with low self esteem? I say fuck them. If people think it’s weird that I’m in the grey area, well, fuck them. That’s my answer, fuck them and fuck what “they” think. Live your life while you’re still young and capable.

Dating & Sex

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I have been single for a couple of months and I have been more than fine with it. But lately I realized that it wouldn’t hurt to put my self back in to the dating world. Going in with no expectations, no high hopes of anything really happening. I have to think of the fact that I’m only 23, and meeting “the one” shouldn’t be my first priority. But this shouldn’t mean I can’t meet new people and have fun along the way!

When dating, one has to think of the risks they’re taking. Dating is a game. Specifically, a mind game. One never wins but always gets hurt. With dating comes the sex. How does one simply go on a first date and decide whether or not to put out? Does one HAVE to put out or is it in bad taste to leave it for later… If the date went well that is. To find out more information, I asked a couple of people including some my best friends.

My best friend Tucker said it usually depends on if the date went well. “Even at the end of it, I might choose not to give it up so easily. It also shows a lot about the person if they want to have sex on the first date, to me it says they don’t have a lot of self respect.” 

(Because this is GAY Sex and the City, it’s nice once in a while to get a straight females perspective)

My friend Anne said that she’ll do the one night stand, but when it comes to a date it’s completely different. “If I go on a date with them, that means I like them, there forth they make me nervous, AND last but not least I don’t want them to think of me as a slut.”

An acquaintance that I know of, Ricky said that there is no shame in sleeping with someone on the first date, if the date went well and both parties seem comfortable enough than it’s totally ok. One doesn’t want to build their hopes up to this person with out giving them a test drive. “What happens if their cock is too small? Or they simply don’t know how to fuck? I don’t have the emotional time to teach someone these things, I want them experienced and ready.”

As I asked and interviewed, I still found my self in between these two words. Dating and sex. I’m not going to lie and say that I like to wait for the special moment. Let’s be real it’s the 21st century. Sometimes I don’t wait to have sex. Sometimes the chemistry between the person and I is so good that it just happens.

All this thinking has reminded me of how much I hate dating. How I hate the sitting down and getting to “know each other” part of the night. It’s like a job interview. Most of it is bullshit. And once the dinner (or whatever) is over, what’s next? Do I say “well, it was fun, call me!” or “Wanna come over for coffee?” What do I say if he invites me over? Why is dating more complicated than it should be? Why can’t it be, I like you, do you like me? No fucking around waiting for the other to call or text back. Nope, that would be asking for too much.

All of this thinking has turned me off to the idea of dating again. I have forgotten what happens when you get through level one. So to put down my doubts or confirm them, I went on a date.

It was a casual date. I didn’t know the guy very well, we had chatted for a bit on Grindr until he gave me his phone number. His name was Edward. He seemed to be this funny, positive, intelligent person over text, so I was curious to see if that translated face to face. We met at Lip Gloss, which is this dance event that happens every Friday night. As I walked in, I saw him. He looked better than his picture, which was saying a lot because he was still pretty good looking in that photo. I went up to him and he greeted me with a hug. I got a drink and we began to talk. We talked about our professions, things we liked to do for fun, stupid things we’ve done. The whole thing was going well. I wasn’t nervous at all and neither was he.

We danced until the bar began to close. Because we weren’t ready to call it a night, we left to get a slurpee at 7 11. It was fantastic! As we walked around we kept talking about our goals in life, our past relationships, and how we came out. Everything was going so smoothly that I decided to invite him over to my apartment. I wasn’t expecting anything to happen and I felt that he wasn’t either. We got to my apartment sat around and chatted more, I suddenly found my self on my bed with him next to me. Still fully clothed. We talked some more and played music off of our phones, sharing our favorite songs and artists at the moment. As it got later we noticed that we were both getting tired, Edward got up to check the time and told me it was 4am. He said he needed to go, he lived in another city which was 40 minutes away. So we got up, he looked at me and said “Come here, give me a hug.” I thought it was sweet, so I gave him one. It turned out to be a long, body rubbing hug, which to me felt nice but also a little strange. I didn’t complain though, it had been a while since I even hugged another guy. As the hug ended,  he looked me straight in the eye and went in for a kiss.  I realized I had answered my own dating and sex question. Everyone’s answer is different, but mine was how ever the dates goes, if it’s bad then I wont call, if it’s good, there might be a kiss at the end of the night.

Edward left, and I felt good about the date and about everything. My doubts were put down. I didn’t worry about whether he was going to text me or if I would text him. It was a good night.

The next day Edward texted me, wanting to hang out again. 

Grindr? Great.

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Gays do think up of everything!

If you’re not familiar with Grindr, either you’re a girl with no gay friends or a gay guy living under a rock. I’m sure Grindr was meant to be a dating app/meeting new guys app which translates to a great new way to hook up app to the gays. Revolutionizing the way gays can have casual sex tends to bring it’s own little bit of frustration and confusion.

Grindr introduces us to a whole new genre of gay men. You read that right, it’s no longer just twinks, bears, and leather daddies anymore. I like to call this new breed the Grindr Gays. Here’s my list of them so far:

The Looking for “Friends” Gay - If he’s looking for friends, why is he naked in his profile picture? Grindr won’t allow any nudity, but don’t let that stop this guy. They crop their profile picture just enough over the waist line to be approved.

The Torso Gay - The gay guy who doesn’t show his face on his profile picture. Although most torso gays have nicely chiseled bodies, that doesn’t guarantee a pretty face to go along with it. The Torso Gay goes along the lines of the Looking for Friends Gay.

The No Picture Gay - This ones the tricky one. Not having a picture on an app like this can only mean three things: He’s not out yet and doesn’t want people to know who he is, he’s out but doesn’t want to be recognized on a seedy app like Grindr, or he’s married and is looking to fool around with other men. Whatever the reason, watch out for this one. They’re tricky. I usually ask for a face picture right away. Personally I find it weird chatting with a faceless icon while they know exactly what I look like (same with the Torso Gay, although they’re usually pretty easy on the eyes). If you forget to ask for one and you carry out this long conversation, you build your hopes up and start to imagine this perfect man. And then when pictures are given, you wake up rather harshly to someone who’s not your type.

(Side note: No Picture Gay often times will send you a picture of their penis instead of their face. Unless you don’t have morals or standards this would be a good time to block his faceless icon.)

The Drunk Gay - The type that only logs on after X Bar has closed on a Friday night. They usually want one thing and one thing only. Think of Grindr as their Plan B when their Plan A falls through.

The Straight Forward Gay - This type is easy to spot, only because they don’t beat around the bush waiting for you to figure out on why they’re on Grindr. They lay everything there for you to see… Sure it’s mostly sexual, but you tend to appreciate this Grindr gay because for whatever reason you’re on Grindr, you either avoid him or message him. 

The Taken Gay - He has a boyfriend, they’re either one month in, or three years in. Either way, the question “Why the fuck are on you grindr?!” begs to be asked. He says friends, I call bullshit.

The Visiting Gay - He’s on vacation or on a business trip. This gay is on grindr to be shown around the city or to hook up. Mostly hooking up especially when they tell you the name of the hotel on their “About Me” section.

The Real Deal Gay - Unfortunately this gay guy gets screwed over most of the time. This is the kind of Grindr Gay who is genuinely on the App to meet new people and make friends, perhaps even find a boyfriend! But because we’ve been trained to believe that everyone on this fucking app has a second agenda, we usually tend to ignore this gay or block him. Funny, because I’m pretty sure most of us fall under this genre. Oh well, c’est la vie!

I know there are plenty more, I just haven’t encountered them yet. But when I do, trust that I’ll let you know.

Along with the new genre of tech savvy gay men, come the cheesy profile “About Me” sections. My favorite’s are:

"I don’t bite…. Hard."

"I like to work hard AND play hard." (something about the word hard…)

And

"I want to make friends, I don’t hook up." accompanied with a shirtless torso.

All of this is basically an iPhone game with real life players. No one ever wins. It’s like the desperation in us will try anything and will message anyone just for the prize of not being alone. Which makes me think of the question, are all these dating websites and apps making us desperate? 

And is it just me? Or are 90% of the Grindr Gays in to unsafe casual sex? No thank you. I love my penis infection free.

The Mile High City

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Denver is a funny city. I say funny because it’s one of those big yet small kinds of cities. Nobody really thinks of Denver that often when they plan on a vacation, you think of Los Angeles, New York City, Chicago etc. Yet I’m always surprised how lively yet caged this place is. Being a 23 year old gay man, this isn’t really my desired city to be spending my 20’s in, but alas I’m here and I deal with it everyday. I don’t despise Denver for having such a small gay community, but we have our disagreements from time to time.

Remember when I mentioned Denver having a small gay community? Let’s be realistic here, unless you live in LA or NYC every other gay community is going to be a small one. But here, you just start seeing the same faces over and over again. I’m surprised I don’t just introduce my self to these people and become friends with them. I like to consider my self as a gay guy who is slightly under the radar. I know of people, but most people don’t really know about me. At least I would like to think this is true. Either way I’m content with this fact, especially when it comes to dating; I like my guys slightly under the radar too.

Here are two reasons why.

1. People won’t make off handed comments like “Oh, you’re dating him? I’ve heard he’s a giant slut.” One thing I’ve learned in my short gay life is that gay men can’t be trusted. Especially when it comes to gossip. If he’s a giant slut, well I’ll find out eventually. No one’s perfect blah, blah, blah.

2. Being slightly under the radar would most likely mean I’ve never seen the guy before. This is great because when or if it ends I won’t be worried about running in to him when I’m out and about.

So you’re probably wondering “what is this blog going to be about?”

Well, it’s going to be about sex, dating, relationships, friendships, poor drunken choices etc. All those things we saw Carrie Bradhsaw do in Sex and the City. The only difference is I don’t live in New York… Yet. I lack Prada, Gucci, and Chanel (give me a break, I work in retail and I’m a freelance graphic designer in his early twenty’s), I’m not a white woman, and my best friends are a combination of all four leading ladies, and I can’t guarantee a happy ending. Sound interesting? Maybe? Just click the follow button and you can start following me and my friend’s love/sex escapades. Sexcapades! You never know, we could learn a lot about dating and being in a relationship together.

Think of this as a gayer, broke sex and the city. Ha!